Sexuality and Neurodivergence
By Alivia Hay, MS, LPC-C
Physical intimacy is a normal part of life and comes naturally to some. However, what do you do when it doesn’t? The neurodiverse community often struggles with physical intimacy. It is common for neurodivergent folks to feel a sense of alienation and dread associated with connecting to others, so it is no surprise that there are often obstacles with an act as vulnerable and intimate as sex. Unfortunately, because sex is such a taboo topic, there is a lack of education about it. This deficit is even larger for those who are neurodivergent. Shedding some light on this issue will hopefully provide a little guidance for those in this position trying to navigate their way towards having a better sex life.
— Let’s pause here to define some of the language used thus far. Neurodivergent individuals are those whose mind functions differently than the “typical” population. This is intended to be received as a neutral statement because in the eyes of the mental health world being neurodivergent is no longer an issue but a difference that needs to be recognized. Common diagnoses that are associated with the classification of neurodivergence are autism spectrum disorder (ASD), and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Neurotypical individuals are those whose mind functions within the “typical/expected” capacity. —
Overall, no differences have been found in the sex drives of neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals. However, there can often be a misconception that neurodivergent individuals have a lower desire to engage in sexual activities. Likely because of the different barriers that are present in this population. These barriers can include but are not limited to attention, communication, and sensory issues.
Attention span can vary depending on the person, environment, activity, etc. However, there often is a barrier here for those who are neurodivergent, as they might find themselves not having an “appropriate” attention span when it comes to sex. Sometimes it might not be stimulating enough, which leads to a lack of focus and attention.
Communication is an important component of sexual contact. Each person involved in the sexual act is going to have desires, needs, likes, and dislikes. To know what each person wants, communication has to be involved. However, for those who are neurodivergent communication does not always come naturally, or it can be simply tiring. Therefore, some might not know how to communicate their wants or choose not to.
Sensory issues are a common symptom of neurodivergence. They are characterized by an intolerance to a certain sensation such as taste, touch, hearing, visual, or smell. There are so many sensations that occur during the act of sex and is easy to see how someone can get overwhelmed or overstimulated.
Example: A feeling of anxiety/overstimulation when the overhead light is too bright, so much so they cannot focus on much else.
Here are some general tips and tricks to improve your sex life as someone who is neurodivergent (these tips can also be helpful for those who are neurotypical):
Learn how to recognize when you are feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed.
Listen to your mind and what it tells you during sex. Is it saying that it likes what is happening? Or, are you feeling anxiety/tension with the thought of your partner(s) touching you in that way?
Listen to your body and what it tells you during sex. It can be hard sometimes to cognitively recognize when something is overwhelming and/or overstimulating. One way to improve this is by listening to what you feel in your body. Does it hurt when they touch you that way? Does it make you feel tense? Or, does it make your body feel warm? Does it relieve the tension that has been stored?
Communicate your needs before and/or during physical intimacy.
It can be hard to communicate during the act of sex, practice informing your partner(s) of your turn-ons and turn-offs beforehand can help lead to better sex for all!
You might not always know what feels good and what doesn’t beforehand, and it might be hard to communicate that as soon as you notice. A good way to work around this is to find other ways that you feel comfortable communicating with your partner(s) during sex if something is pleasurable or not. This can be either a “safe” word, a specific sound or a nonverbal gesture. If that is still uncomfortable, you can also discuss signs you show when you feel discomfort so your partner(s) can recognize when to stop and evaluate on their own.
This might not always be comfortable/safe, but it can be helpful in certain sexual situations to disclose your neurodivergence to your partner(s). This could help them understand what to look out for and what to be conscious of during physical intimacy.
Remember that it is ok not to like something!
Due to possible sensory issues or difficulty holding attention, you might just not like something that is very “mainstream”, or you might not be interested in sex if it drags on too long. Remember it is ok to have your preferences, even if they are uncommon.
The best way to ensure a productive and pleasurable sex life is by listening to yourself and your own needs.