Weaving your Love Story During Uncertain Times
by Sam Ege
One year ago, our everyday lives changed drastically, what seemed like overnight. Our daily routines and relationships needed adjusting. This year has been a year full of confusion, loss, and constant changes. Some changes were obvious, like our work schedules and the amount of time we spent at home. However, other changes weren’t so obvious at the beginning, specifically how couples have had to adjust their relationship dynamics. Many couples had to create a new normal.
When someone says “love” what do you think of? What about “love story”? For most people “love” is perceived as something you “fall into” and should bring complete bliss and immense happiness to your life. This idea of happily ever after has stuck with us since we were young. Not only is this concept of love idealistic, its practically unattainable; when it feels attainable, it’s not meant to last forever.
The happily ever after story is something we are told about love; it’s something we’ve crafted to portray the perfect relationship. As humans, we like to think about our desires, the perfect person, our make-it or break-it points, what we deserve, etc. We further weave this tale to fit our own expectations. But relationship experts have discovered that this isn’t how love works, it’s not perfect, it’s not withstanding on its own, it requires human intervention, it requires people to be present in creating their own love story, especially during challenging times. Rather than weaving a nice story, when we feel love it requires a different kind of crafting.
Although Sternberg used a triangle to describe 3 different aspects of love, thinking about love as a braid includes more aspects of creating a loving relationship and how relationships progress through time. Braiding is a common hair style practice where you weave 3 strands of hair into a single woven braid. Each strand represents an aspect of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Intimacy refers to the emotional connection you have with your partner(s). When partners talk to each other about their ideas and emotions with the intention of growing closer together and learning about the other, they are practicing intimacy. Passion mostly refers to the physical connection between partners. When partners make love, kiss goodbye, or hold each other, passionate love is present. Finally, commitment, the choice to stick out the hard times with your chosen partner. Commitment is purely cognitive, meaning that you make choices that contribute to your relationship with your partner(s).
Each strand, intimacy, passion, and commitment are held in the hands of each partner. While they weave the strands together, they are creating their own love story, over time the braid becomes longer, signifying the time spent together in the relationship.
Like many of us know, braids rarely turn out perfect, there will always be strands that stick out, some strands aren’t the same size, and some braids become weathered over time. Similarly, love isn’t perfect, and relationships aren’t perfect. Weaving a braid requires some strands to be left out at times. Maybe right now, you are committed to your partner and you feel intimate with your partner, but the passion isn’t what it used to be. Maybe there’s passion and intimacy, but someone isn’t in the mindset to commit to the relationship fully. Or maybe the passion and commitment are there, but you feel like you can’t talk to your partner the same way as before.
No matter what strands you have in your hands in the moment, you’re still weaving your love story. Understanding life circumstances and how love stories can withstand the test of time, shows that every love story is unique and is in the process of being woven together. Day by day, the braid takes form. And just like this past year, all we can do is take it day by day.