Love is Love
by Sam Ege, LPC
In preparation for LGBTQIA+ Pride Month, as we celebrate gender and sexual diversity, I’ve been reflecting on love and how the word “love” is versatile. The expression of love comes in a wide variety of ways.
The kind of love we feel for our romantic partners is different than the love we feel for our friends and family members; we show different kinds of love to different people in our lives. But are we all speaking the same language when it comes to expressing love? In today’s world we still put boundaries on who we should love and how to express it. But if there was no judgment and the world fully welcomed your expression of love, how would you show someone you care about, that you love them?
Sometimes we think we’re expressing the love we feel for another through our actions and words, but our intentions can get lost in translation and we find that the other person isn’t feeling the love that we wanted to express. So how can we learn the same language when it comes to expressing love and allow ourselves to express our feelings? We can use Gary Chapman’s “love languages.” According to Chapman, there are 5 different categories for how to show someone you love them. Let’s go through them!
The first of the group is “words of affirmation”. Words of affirmation are verbal or written word. Telling your partner that you love them, are proud of them, or things that you appreciate about them are good ways to show someone you love them. This can assure your partner that you love them and want to remain to get closer to them.
The next is “quality time” which is being attentive and present with the person you love. Spending quality time with the person you love can be a night out with your partner, a family visit, or spending a night in with your friend. Being present is the most important aspect of quality time, therefore limiting distractions for yourself can help you show your partner you love them.
“Physical touch” is another way to show someone you love them. Sometimes this love language is strongly associated with sex, but this can be as small as holding someone’s hand in public, a hug when you greet them or wish them goodbye, or even a foot massage after your partner had a long day. Physical touch can show someone that you want to be close with them, not only physically, but emotionally, showing interest and care in everyday ways.
The fourth love language is “acts of service”, taking some of your loved one’s responsibilities off their plate. This could look like you cooking dinner for your partner, driving a friend to the airport, or bringing you loved one some food when they’re swamped at work and can’t escape the office. This love language can alleviate stress for your partner, allowing them to relax and be more open to intimacy and strengthening the love between you.
The fifth love language is “gifts”. Gifts don’t need to be expensive or grandiose, they can be small, a single flower that you found in the park, a short note telling your loved one to have a good day, or even taking someone out for lunch or coffee. Small gifts communicate the message that you were thinking of your partner, that they cross your mind and they matter to you even if they aren’t there with you in the moment.
There are tons of ways that we can show those we love that we love them. The trick is to know how those we love accept love and how we tend to show our love to others. Sometimes they don’t always match up. There’s nothing wrong with that! All you need is to have a conversation and learn about your loved one.
For example, a partner can show their love through gifts and words of affirmation and enjoy receiving quality time and words of affirmation. The other partner can be an acts of services and quality time person, and enjoy receiving those are well. Those two might have quite a few conversations about how to successfully show the other they love them and how both of them receive love. But in the end, they love!
Once you figure out how your loved one feels love and gives love, it’ll be easier to show someone you care. A good strategy is to prioritize the top love languages they enjoy receiving and sprinkle in a few other love languages. It all starts with a conversation.
Love and relationships aren’t perfect and sometimes they can be difficult, even messy, yet we still love love! The song Butterflies, by Samsa, comes to mind when thinking about love and how it can be both difficult or messy and beautiful and enduring. This month let us remember that love is versatile, it can look like a lot of different things. So let’s embrace differences and learn to honor all expressions of love, because at the end of the day, love is love.