Myths about Female Sexuality
by Rachel Berg, LPC, CADC
Myths About Female Sexuality
Many myths about female sexuality show up in therapy with our clients. Research has now disproved outdated ideas about female sexuality once and for all so why do these myths prevail? To clear up some common misunderstandings, here are some of the most common myths to reflect on.
Women Don’t Like Sex As Much As Men Do
This couldn’t be further from the truth. However, women certainly have more barriers than men when it comes to enjoying sex. The negative messages that women are bombarded with create enormous barriers to evolving into a healthy and free sexual beings. There is an astounding number of “good girls don’t . . . .” messages. The consequence of these messages is that many women grow up not fully embracing their sexuality and allowing themselves to explore and learn how to experience pleasure. Have you heard of the myth of “lesbian bed death”? The idea is that if you have two women who are in a relationship eventually they’re going to stop having sex with each other because they don’t have as much drive as men do. Their sex life is going to wither and die, and neither one of them is going to initiate sex. Essentially the belief is that they will become asexual. This couldn’t be further from the truth! The facts are that lesbian women report the highest sexual satisfaction of any group of people having sex. Why? Because women reported engaging in more behaviors that they find enjoyable and pleasurable. They are also more likely to take turns with each other and feel comfortable coaching and teaching their partner about their bodies. Studies show women are more equitable in terms of their sexual behavior and as a result, they end up enjoying their experiences more.
Vaginal Vs. Clitoral Orgasm
There is a belief that the “right” way to orgasm is when a partner gives a woman an orgasm by inserting the penis into the vagina. For some women, vaginal stimulation works for them but there are many women for whom that doesn’t work very well. These women are often left feeling broken or confused and their partners may feel as if they are inadequate or bad lovers. Research shows that only 18.4% of women orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone (Herbenick, Fu, Arter, Sanders & Dodge, 2018). Read that again! Only 18.4% of women orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. Two-thirds of women prefer direct clitoral stimulation to vaginal stimulation. Research reports that when simultaneous clit stimulation is added to vaginal intercourse, women orgasm 51-60% of the time (Herbenick et al., 2018). There is no one-size-fits-all answer to the female orgasm—we need to get away from this idea that one orgasm is better than another. An orgasm is an orgasm, and anyway that you get there is fine.
We also have to mention that 5-10% of women have never orgasmed (though many of these women may later in life.) Research reports that 80-92% of women who have never had an orgasm can orgasm after clinical treatment. (Herbenick et al., 2018).
If She’s Not Wet She’s Not Turned On
Another myth about female sexuality is that vaginal dryness means she is not turned on. In reality, there are many times when desire and physical arousal don't match. Physical arousal (genital response) is distinctly different from desire (active mental engagement in sex). If you've ever had a sexual experience in which you felt turned on but had difficulty getting wet or if you've had the opposite happen, where your body responded to a sexual stimulus but your mind was saying no, then you've experienced arousal non-concordance. Arousal non-concordance is normal and can happen for many reasons. Things like trauma, stress, menopause, pain, medications, or disconnection between the mind and body can cause arousal non-concordance. Some women produce more lubrication than others. It varies with each body and is absolutely normal. It is also important to note that if you are confident that not being turned on is the reason, you should talk it out with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.
Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire
Spontaneous desire happens when that mental interest arises first. You're just going about your business and- BAM - you start to think about sex. You want to have it. Ideally, you'd seek out a willing partner and start hooking up. Then your body would start preparing for the actual act of sex. We see this type of out in the media and held up as the ideal in our society. Many people do experience this type of desire at some point in their lives, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. But this is not the only way to experience desire! Responsive sexual desire is when desire shows up after sexy things are already happening and then the body responds. Research has found that 30% of women experience responsive desire, meaning these people need more than a sexy thought to “want” sex (Nagoski, 2015). Responsive desire is normal and healthy. These women do not have low desire, they are not broken, they just experience desire differently than the portrayed “ideal.” Responsive women and their partners need to team up to create a context in which a woman will enjoy sex both inside and outside the bedroom!
Why do these myths prevail? Lack of education. Formal sex education starts and ends around age 13 if it happens at all. In sex education class they don’t talk about the female orgasm at all. They don’t show the vulva or the clitoris. There is usually no education about a woman’s sexual anatomy or how to experience pleasure in our bodies. Without that education, women are in the dark they have to get information from a friend, cosmopolitan, porn, googling. Another reason why these myths prevail is that women are still taught to this day that it is not “nice” to be a fully sexual woman. To want to have sex, to want to have an orgasm, to show that you have desire without being worried about being seen as a “loose” woman is challenging when society upholds standards that it wants nice woman, pure woman, women act like “ladies.” Women are socialized to be sexual accessories to men in committed relationships. It also must be noted that many myths are based on heterosexual norms. Everybody is different and sexual relationships can be as free and diverse as we want/allow them to be. There are no right or better ways to have sex. Sex and pleasure are for everyone!
Sources:
Debby Herbenick, Tsung-Chieh (Jane) Fu, Jennifer Arter, Stephanie A. Sanders & "Brian Dodge (2018) Women's Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94,Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44:2, 201-212, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530
Nagoski, E. (2015).Come as you are. Simon & Schuster.